Anatomy of a Terrible Commercial: FinallyFast.com (AKA, the Greatest Post Never Written)

(Dear readers: What follows is a post that I began writing on March 17, 2010. For one reason or another I never got around to completing it. What's unfortunate about the delay is that FinallyFast has debuted newer commercials, so this is kind of a time capsule. The new commercials are equally terrible, although I haven't noticed any of the subliminal messaging that I describe below. Anyway, enjoy.) 

I wrote recently about Citi Jimi, a guy who's got nothing to do with baseball but is nevertheless a part of the Mets fan experience.

Today I write about another inescapable part of the Mets experience that has nothing to do with baseball: the commercials for FinallyFast.com.

If you've watched SNY in the past year or two, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The ridiculously low budget ad campaign with the campy actors complaining about their internet speed before FinallyFast.com saves the day? That's the one I'm talking about.

We all know the message, but do you know the minutia? I took a moment yesterday to study the inner workings of this commercial. Some of my findings may surprise you. Let's go screen by screen.

Screen 1: The Opener

Not a lot to say about this one, but note the coif. Combed down. Parted down the middle. BOR-ING! He WOULD have a slow computer.

Screen 2: "My Stories"

Let's call this character Lara. She's just like you and me, only her phone is REALLY antiquated. More importantly, her computer's acting up...

... which is a problem when you're using works such as "Little Red Riding Hood," "Alice in Wonderland," and "The Hunchback of Notre Dame," as the launchpad for bizarre creative writing assignments, as Lara seems to be doing. Some sample prose:

There was her next adventure, right in front of her eyes. At the end of the path were 2 men wearing masks that covered their nose and mouth. They stood at a tail gate. Alice approached the men. "Hello," said Alice. "Sorry, kid," said the taller man, "you can't leave Wonderland. This area is quarantined with Sars."

Or how about this gem from her take on Hunchback?

Although a loner, one day [Quasimodo] decided to come down and visit the town of Notre Dame. Unfortunately, once again, because of his not-so-charming appearance, people screamed in fright. A shot was fired and hit Quasimodo square in the chest. When he regained consciousness, he was in a hospital. "Doctor," Quasimodo started, "did the bullet do any damage?" "The gunshot appears to have only caused a minor flesh wound. It's that huge hump on your back that worries me. Sir, it's malignant..."

Scene 3: AIM 4EVR!!!

Easily the most fascinating screen in the bunch, this one rewards the curious observer. The first thing you need to know is that whoever is responsible for this commercial REALLY digs Barack Obama, REALLY dislikes Republicans, and (why not?) digs "The Thong Song."

To wit, the three conversations the user's engaged in read as follows:

Obamanator08: haha I beat you
Hilldawg420:  ya ya, rub it in why don'tcha
(Unfortunately the rest of the text of this conversation is cut off by the error message, which is really a shame. I'm pretty sure Obamanator's next question is "so how's Bill?" to which Hildawg responds "dunno, hav..."; next IM: "said he wa..."; next IM: Obamanator: "...right..."; next IM: Hildawg: "you don't th..."; next IM: Obamanator: "probly". Knowing the characters involved, you can imagine that conversation going in any number of directions. Something about Monica Lewinsky? Definite possibility.)

Instant message convo No. 2! A shorter one, this time with a friend whose screen name is a bit imperceptible. Something "Builder", like "BuddhaBuilder" or "BubbaBuilder," something like that.

BuddhaBuilder: Can we fix it?
Obamanator08: Yes we can!
(To the uninitiated, "Yes we can!" was Barack Obama's campaign slogan in 2008. It tapped into a feeling that with new, non-George Bush leadership, the country would surely overcome financial disaster, two wars, and generalized decline. It made sense at the time.)

The third conversation is my favorite. You can't see the screen name of the person the user's chatting with, but the text is there in all its glory, and I assure you it's profound.

Obamantor08: I, personally, love the Thong Song
[Unknown screen name]: Sisqo's the best

He sure is.

The conversations are interesting, but the really fascinating part of this scene is the user's buddy list. The list is broken out into three categories: "Friends", "Aholes" and "Pals". Friends and Aholes are the most interesting.

Friends:

Hildawg420
BidenVP08
GoreBot
MileyCyrusFan
PimpB4XPrez
CondeeCane (A bit unexpected to see Condi on the list, but I'll go with it.)

The best though is the list of Aholes:

PrezDubya
McCainandAbel
PalinAlaskaHo

That's right... PalinAlaskaHo. Right there plain as day in a commercial that gets broadcast all the time. Consider the options. They could have had those screen names and conversations say anything, the most inane chatter about the weather or whatever.

Instead they go with "PalinAlaskaHo". To use a Palinism, it takes cajones.

Scene 4: Bringing it all home

I'm back! With a faster computer and better hair cut!

Again, consider the options when putting this commercial together. You're the director and you decide to have one of your handful of principal characters show up twice in 45 seconds, only with completely different hairdos each time. Nothing wrong with it, it's just an interesting choice.

Scene 5: Another happy customer

Yes sir.

* * * * *

It really is a fascinating commercial. Like an onion, there's just layer after layer, and the more you peel it, the more it stinks.

- A.F.O.M.G.